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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| new times, new blog.
http://samanthacrowder.blogspot.com
we'll see how it goes, since we all know i have a thing for xanga.
love, sam | | |
| yes! no work tonight, no parents, no commitments...
just a hoodie, sweatpants, "A Leage of Their Own", and a hot-dog dinner on the way.
so, who would have thought i'd actually be hopping from belmont (part of my heart still lives in nashville), to wake tech (a total of 9 hours), to appalachian state university (how the heck did i end up here?!)
i really don't know how i ended up here. all i can testify to is that the Lord is so good and worth trusting in. He takes our mess and makes it into something beautiful.
just before i knew the severity of my family's financial situation, He provided and put stable ground beneath my feel. all of academic expenses from now until i graduate. a beautiful apartment with some of my closest friends. a job for me, helping organize, promote, and sell tickets to every event on campus. i know i can't do it justice with my tiny words. but i'm living it, and there has been no short of sitting and crying in response to pure, unfathomable Grace.
having to pack and clean out my room (in case my parents have to move when i'm in boone) has proven to be so stressful, yet so good. i had a chance to say goodbye to a lot of things i've held on to in 20 years of living here. and to appreciate where i've been, yet say goodbye to who i once was. and to say hello to a brand new season, few expectations but fully expecting the Lord. a time of beautiful, disciplined love, and showing it in each day.
though most of my things are already moved into apt. 301, i'm staying in raleigh for a few days to work and get my last few things packed. the apartment is on the top floor on the side of the mountain overlooking boone and the blue ridge mountains. all of the boxes are unpacked, everything has its place, pictures are hanging on the wall and a yellow tea pot is sitting on the stove. two windows in the living room with sheer floral curtains give view to the most beautiful mountain scene. i can't wait until the leaves begin to change! it's more than i could've ever realistically imagined possible for this year. i am dumbfounded.
though things are still difficult, i have joy, and i am smiling at the future!
.happy 20th birthday to the lovely heather nicole wood. here's to a year full of adventure!
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| 3:48 a.m. and i am not at all sleepy! weird. must be the cookout sweet tea.
summer has been lovely. a lot of my circumstances are not so lovely, be He is always good. it's that part of summer that you feel like, come on... school can NOT be closing in already! and you want to hang on to a fleeting summer... and then you realize, wait! don't worry yet [insert name here]! go out and do something summer right now! i always feel like july is just an apparition. the calendars say it's here, but i'm stuck in a department store most of the time telling passers-by to come smell Euphoria by Calvin Klein because it's sooo good-smelly. If July were really here I'd be out by the lake with a red-checkered picnic blanket eating slices of watermelon, enjoying summer romance and wearing jersey dresses, you know?
but still, summer's been good to me. good FOR me. just a big pill to swallow, and Rolling River God is making this stone a bit smoother [thank you, nichole nordeman]
iventory was earlier this week. the ladies i work with are ri-diculous! so, i work in fragrances, and of course that's right next to cosmetics, so all of these ladies just talk and gossip and since we're females, there is NO shortage of drama. i just giggle most of the time. most of them are middle-aged and divorced. one of them totally acts like jennifer coolidge on Legally Blonde, her name is Lisa. they talk about crazy things but i love them.
so other than working a stupid amount of hours at the fragrance counter, i've also had the opportunity to do a little southeastern traveling! last week the band and i were in georgia for a 6th grade camp, and next week we'll be in tennessee for the 7th and 8th grade camp. tons of ridiculousness, dressin like geeks for geek night, singin cheesy songs.
sometimes it's hard to leave home because i am so deeply concerned and i can't even put the words together for what i feel towards the situation. but the Lord, in His fathering and abundant character, has gone before me regarding these seemingly silly little gigs and has provided the finances i need to be stable for a while, to buy school supplies, to get my hair cut.... to buy a planner. yesssss! planners- my anti-drug.
when i think about this fall, and the new beginnings at appalachian, i feel anxiety. it's scary starting over. it's scary knowing that someone other than my family is paying my way through school. it's scary knowing there is no net beneath me if i fall, and that i have to save up now for when i'm done with school in a few years. i have to save up now to pay for future housing, future wisdom-teeth removal, future wedding, future everything! what if's are swirling around like crazy in my head and i feel too little, too silly, too irresponsible to do this and to live the life i desire to live. so, i take a deep breath in and out, and say the Lord will ALWAYS provide. faith is just scary sometimes. but worth it.
Lord, i don't have words. You hear my heart.
i want to be a strong woman. i want stability and steadfastness. i want to be a loving, enthralling, Christ-like wife. i want a man who will walk with me in this journey, crazy in love with my God, a wise man who will lead with courage. i want to raise my children well. i want to have college-funds for my kids and to make investments in my grandchildren's names. i want to see more countries and live amongst the people. i want to overcome and love. i want to sing and to heal. i want wisdom and courage.
i need a better work-ethic. i must know that a relationship with a man could never fulfill what Christ is meant to fulfill. i must go into this knowing i'm gonna mess up, but it will still be beautiful. so beautiful.
oh Lord, Lord. goodnight.
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| i feel messy right now.
a waster of time, a spender of too much money on little things, pimply-faced, choas-life....
i'm not big enough to be strong enough to handle all of this on my own. i like to think it's my job to tear myself down or build myself up... point out all the bad in myself or make myself look more glamorous than i am. i think it's my job to do God's job so much of the time.
it is His job to be strong, to tear down what needs tearing and build up what needs building.
i've worked a lot this week but it never feels enough. i still feel stretched financially. i've missed friends and been really anxious-hostile-hypedup. bad eating, weird sleeping.
but it's just a week. i'm just a real girl in need of real grace. praise the Lord who gives it abundantly!
take a deep breath. and praise!
in the wise words of that camp counselor on the simple life goes to camp, i just need some real "face-to-face time". Jesus face-to-face time. not nichole and paris.
my room was a mess all week but i finally straghtened it up. need to do laundry [badly]. need to live days with purpose, not drudgery. it's hard, but not NOT good.
i must keep moving! i must keep working hard. He will always always provide what i need. and even in all of that moving, working, needing [or wanting]... i can laugh, cry, dance, pray, breathe, sleep, praise, write letters, take pictures, make music.... and enjoy LIFE! one day at a time. one breath at a time.
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